Life as I know it right now is overwhelming. My mind is constantly filled with questions and uncertainty, wandering and doubting more than I ever knew to be imaginable. This rawness is real and something that as a Christian, I think we do a poor job of showing. Humbleness is where I am lead to and complete surrender. Graciously, God meets me there every time and I am comforted simply by sitting in His silent presence.
My heart's desire has always been to have children. Just look at their precious faces. It is one of life's greatest joys and undeserved blessings that have been poured out into my life. Recently, there have been more days than not that I feel like I'm failing especially with Holland. It ranges from the guilt of giving her too much juice to feeling as though I am simply impatient at times with her. She has such an endearing, sensitive spirit and I could not feel more blessed and challenged to have her as our first. Her busyness does not overwhelm me because I know that God has great things in store for her hands and feet. She is strong willed and I'm sure that will take her far as well, especially since this is where we don't always see eye to eye. She is 2 and ready to conquer the world and no longer seems to need her Mama's direction except when crossing the street and not wanting to get "flattened like a pancake". There is no doubt in my mind that we are at a crossroads. I see it in her eyes every time I am short-tempered with her or find myself busily cleaning in the other room.
I know all of the hip-parenting jargon of not wanting to be their child's friend, and I buy that. What I don't buy is that kids will be kids. Kids need structure and a solid foundation. Of course they are going to test the limits, but the things that will shape them most is what they SEE, not just what they hear. I not only want Holland and Jackson to hear me truth into their lives, but to see me aspiring to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Yes, I am going to stumble, but His grace is sufficient and mercies are new every day. Paraphrased, this is what I aspire to be and want Holland and Jackson to know me as:
"She is a woman of the Word, virtuous, slow to anger, and quick to love. She is prayerful, eager to listen, and quick to forgive. She is selfless, a servant, joyful, and self-sacrificing. She feels deeply and finds true excitement in simple things. She is unique. She is mine. "
So, I have decided to let some things go. No more cleaning or laundering while the kids are awake. We can hire someone to share those duties. That is not why we made the choice for me to stay at home with the kids. It is to be with the kids, spend time with them, play with them, read to them, pray for them, and to love on them. In letting these things go, prayers have already been answered about which direction we are taking. Just the other day after naptime, Holland crawled into bed with me and cheerily said, "Mommy, I'm so glad I get to spend every day with you." That girl has a way of speaking truth into my life and touching my heart in ways that no one else can.